Kel is out of town, out of state, out of… pocket. He is talking with some people about possibility of making a decision that would drastically alter the course of our life. And they are talking all day. He might call in an hour or so, but that does not do away with the length of time I have been waiting, incommunicado. PS I have the worst onion breath but no one is around to take offense but me so to hell with it. I don’t fear the huge change, I fear the lack of the huge change. I want Kel to be happy for selfless and selfish reasons. The selfless ones are obvious, I want him to feel fulfilled in his life, to soar, to achieve, to succeed, to … do the things you want for someone you love. Selfish reasons, well money is the root of all evil, and additionally and more importantly when he is happy, so am I. (for the most part, please mail in a request for fine print) I want to be happy, I don’t want him to be let down or feel unvalued.
I trust God, I do, or I am sincerely trying to, I wish my community was here. One shouldn’t be alone on nights such as this, this is the whole reason God surrounds us with people that love us. Excepting that the people that love us, aren’t so much here, or at least the people that really love me, who would take me out for a frosty bev and make me laugh and tell me that no matter what all this amounts to that I am love and it’s going to be okay. They are a phone call away, but there is no end to how much I could use a hug, one from someone who wants to be here to hug me, and in this state, there really isn’t. And that’s okay I am not complaining, I’m just… crying and still with the onion taste.
I don’t know what I want but I do know that I want to know, and I think I might implode or explode sans this knowledge.
My onion breath is starting to offend even me and there’s this friggin pack of PB cups calling to me from the kitchen, which would be tasty, but would merely mask my onion breath. And run the risk of causing extreme morning after guilt. dang. I want chocolate.