Packing

 Sometimes it seems my life is this endless chain of packing. I never get to be in one place long and it is starting to wear on me. (hang on I have to rotate laundry in order to have clean stuff to pack) okay rotated. There are moments I simply can’t wait to be home, most of them in fact. I prayed for this trip, thank God for answered prayers. I am however going to miss my Kel more than I can express. 13 days apart seems like a lifetime and a half. I was realizing as we were talking in the tub last night that he has become my best friend, the kind of best friend I can take birthday suit baths with. I still hold my girl bffs dearly but all this transition has certainly moved Kel into my best friend spot. Ada is so lonely without him, I still have yet to make a friend or even hang out one on one with anyone at all really, or even in a group. So without Kel this town is pretty gray. Although I am going to try to do more with my time here than I did during his last absence. I certainly need to tackle the garage. Maybe even the nursery, clean it up so we can start preparing it slowly for bebe’s arrival. Ugh I need to be packing, Kel is doing the dishes and he will surely come out and expect me to be packed and yet I will blogging. 

I should stop blogging when I am crabby. Its just that lately I feel as though I will never live up to my own expectations. They are so high. And when I don’t jump through my incredibly high hoops I can’t accept myself. This is terrifying. Just walking around your house feeling completely inadequate in every way. I blame myself for everyones problems, obviously mine but certainly Kels too.

I should just stop, Lord please in some new years miracle help me to find the ever elusive Grace for myself that you seem to have in spades. I hope. Help me to find some smile for Kel for tomorrow for the next week and two weeks and life. Help the child inside me to somehow feel love and peace despite the turmoil I feel in every organ and cell. Forgive me, love me, lead me through the fog that always seems to settle down on me.

Lifting up my heart

Clearly I am bad at being alone. Kel is gone until Thursday in Houston being refreshed I hope. And I am here, in Ada. Work keeps me busy but I long for community and a sense of belonging. These things take time but my heart keeps wandering back to Holidays past, and they all seem warmer and more exciting. I think I am just emotionally and spiritually worn out. I love our tree, I love my husband, we are hostessing Christmas this year, something I have always dreamed of! My heart is just not in it. I am reading through the Christmas story in my bible and I look over my pond in the mornings. I am trying to feel, more. I am sure It’s all jus a result of being overwhelmed and that the numbness will go away. Tonight is just a Monday night, on the couch, with a microwave pizza. Not one exciting thing about it.

God, please awaken my heart, help it to overflow this season with gratitude. Give me eyes to see the moments that are small beautiful gifts of time and laughter with loved ones. My heart hurts with how much I miss my loved ones. Please fill it with love, new love, new traditions, a solidarity of this new family, and us-ness instead of what we are missing.

I lift it all up to you, and more that I can’t communicate.

And now its dead.

 So for the last week or so I have noticed our Christmas tree wilting and I have noticed that I couldn’t smell it’s evergreeny freshness. I have been checking the water line in the stand of course. Well yesterday I went to touch a branch and it snapped off in my hand. The whole thing had gone dry and crunchy! Two weeks until Christmas and our tree was completely dead! Geez… What a hassle! Kel researched it online and decided that perhaps if we cut some of the base it will start to suck up water, so we unscrewed it and tried to lift it from the stand, it was not al the way unscrewed so it got dusty sappy water all over teh velvet tree skirt and brand new carpet… yay! We finally got it unscrewed and I steadied it on a plastic bow while balancing myself up on the tv stand. He tried takin his leatherman (which has a small saw blade) to it for like ten minutes. He decided that is going to take forever so he unboxed his new curcular saw and put it together. I really didn’t feel comfortable having him using the saw like that. And that wasn’t working anyway so after 5 more minutes of using the leatherman saw on it he tried a hammer and chisel ( I have a ver inventive husband!) This caused a shower of dead needled and ornaments to cascade from the tree, creating a nice cover of needles all over our new living room floor. Finally we gave up, undecorated it, and threw it out on the back patio. Then we cleaned up the SIGNIFICANT aftermath and I finally sat down on the couch at 11:00 PM. I called Home Depot this morning and they are going to give us a brand new tree to replace it and we get to decorate for Christmas all over again! Yay!!! (not)