Packing

 Sometimes it seems my life is this endless chain of packing. I never get to be in one place long and it is starting to wear on me. (hang on I have to rotate laundry in order to have clean stuff to pack) okay rotated. There are moments I simply can’t wait to be home, most of them in fact. I prayed for this trip, thank God for answered prayers. I am however going to miss my Kel more than I can express. 13 days apart seems like a lifetime and a half. I was realizing as we were talking in the tub last night that he has become my best friend, the kind of best friend I can take birthday suit baths with. I still hold my girl bffs dearly but all this transition has certainly moved Kel into my best friend spot. Ada is so lonely without him, I still have yet to make a friend or even hang out one on one with anyone at all really, or even in a group. So without Kel this town is pretty gray. Although I am going to try to do more with my time here than I did during his last absence. I certainly need to tackle the garage. Maybe even the nursery, clean it up so we can start preparing it slowly for bebe’s arrival. Ugh I need to be packing, Kel is doing the dishes and he will surely come out and expect me to be packed and yet I will blogging. 

I should stop blogging when I am crabby. Its just that lately I feel as though I will never live up to my own expectations. They are so high. And when I don’t jump through my incredibly high hoops I can’t accept myself. This is terrifying. Just walking around your house feeling completely inadequate in every way. I blame myself for everyones problems, obviously mine but certainly Kels too.

I should just stop, Lord please in some new years miracle help me to find the ever elusive Grace for myself that you seem to have in spades. I hope. Help me to find some smile for Kel for tomorrow for the next week and two weeks and life. Help the child inside me to somehow feel love and peace despite the turmoil I feel in every organ and cell. Forgive me, love me, lead me through the fog that always seems to settle down on me.