2010. I acknowledge you but I still don’t like you.

I think I know why I hate new years. It is concrete proof that time has passed, a year in fact, and I am still not happy with myself. My organizational levels are at an all time low and I don’t care to talk about how often i vacuum the carpet and all that is irritating enough I assure you. But my real shame comes from this: Another year has passed and I spent more days ignoring my relationship with God than nurturing it, immersing myself in his love. And I hate myself for it, yes I do need to use the word hate. Now I know that I struggle with grace, but I really can’t bend on the need to improve in this area. I love the view out our dining room window. It’s beautiful, and there are these rare moments when i can enjoy it as it is rather than think about the work I need to do to improve it. Right now is one of these moments. And not just because the imperfections are blocked with window panes and drywall.I feel like this woman right now instead of feeling like myself.

I feel like this gal more than I feel like myself

Someone told me some time ago about the concept of wallpaper in your mind. I know that sounds funny, but imagine your mind, your thinking place, as a room. Now imagine it has wallpaper in it. This wallpaper affects the way that you live your life. I really believe that our culture is trying to hog all the wall space in the room of our minds with what I Imagine to be bright neon 80’s hair band type posters. The kind that glow when you turn a black light on them. And then there is the deep truth underneath all the TV shows, Billboards and Social Networking. The ones that are infallible and have invaded ever speck of dirt on this planet and can not be denied. And they line up with every word from the mouth of God. To me they look like smiling babies, mountain sunsets, peaceful oceans and seeds sprouting up from deep brown soil. And they feel like peace, and they feel safe, and you don’t need to say the right thing for them to be there for you. They can be your validation instead of status comments, but they don’t scream for you like the 80’s hair band posters do. You scream if you ignore them too long. Well I like most of us have put up plenty of 80s hairband posters in 2009 and all the years inbetween 1982 and 2009 and not near enough mountains and sprouts. And my heart is dried up today. I wonder if that is why I take so many soaking baths, I don’t even wash my hair when I bath I just lay there and stare, I bring a book but never get to it. I just lay and soak, maybe I am trying to rehydrate something dry in my heart. Probaby not, but it’s a great thought. So anyways all this to say that I want to actively tear down a gaudy unsatisfying poster today and put a beautiful little sprout picture in its place. Ready. Set. Go.