Faithfulness hurts

I read something earlier this week on twitter that said if you consistently write, you are a writer. If you put something out there, you are an author. I immediately rejected that as ridiculous because even though I have now sold one article and write on a pretty regular basis, considering myself an author makes me feel like a little kid claiming to be an astronaut or a super hero. We think they are cute running around in their cape but we don’t take that statement very seriously. The percent of kids who grow up to be astronauts is pretty small. So is the percent of first time writers who get books published. So I feel like a kid in a cape when I tell someone I am writing a book proposal. Behind the encouragement I am sure there is a cynical thought that sounds something like, “Sure you are honey, that’s great.” Maybe there isn’t, but that’s how I feel.

I can honestly say that being faithful to Gods call to write through grief and healing is one of the hardest tasks I have set out to accomplish. It’s painful and it drags up every self-conscious skeleton in my closet all the back to grade school. It’s the best/worst thing that I have done, and God simply will not let me drop it and I am still completely unsure if it will amount to anything.

But just because writing is more public than say, becoming an RN or getting your Masters, or going for a promotion etc, doesn’t mean it’s any scarier. Feeling that the place God is calling you to is so far away it may as well be the moon is a pretty common feeling. Maybe you’re quiet and being called to lead. Maybe you’re shy and being called to mentor. This list is as long as there are people on this earth. God always call us out to something that feels uncomfortable to us so although I am the only person I know who is working on a non-fiction book proposal, I am by no means the only one who feels called to more than they are capable of.

And just by writing this, I feel so much better.