The Cracks

I was really irritable this weekend.  And I can tell you exactly why.   I’m wallowing in self pity and fear instead of doing what I should be doing.  One of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world, other than stubbing your toe, is not acting on what you know God calls you to.  It feels like there is something squirming inside of you, trying to get out. But instead you sit around watching an entire season of Big Bang Theory in extreme discomfort, well at least that’s what I did this past week.

If you want to see the metaphor I came up with for this feeling check out this video, and yes its from the Big Bang Theory because that’s all I did this weekend.

Kel thinks it might be a touch demeaning to equate my call to write with a creepy chair vermin, but my brain works the way it works.

So: Confession of my weekend

Instead of connecting with Kel, I watched tv
Instead of writing, I made a hat
Instead of resting, I became a “dishes” nazi and ensured the sink was empty as if my life depended on it.
Instead of getting on my kids’ level, I Facebook and played hanging w friends

And all of this ^ left me feeling this:

Nothing

I knew exactly what to change but instead I sat around miserably unhappy.  What a way to spend a weekend.  ANd you know what?  I bet I’m not the only one.

Last night Kel and I discovered something really cool as we talked in the dark of our bedroom before falling asleep.  Our son is cutting four teeth so we didn’t sleep long, but I’m trying to set the scene for this revelation.

We realized that we fill all the cracks of our lives by being on our phones, laptops and our shared iPad.  The spaces between activities and conversations aren’t empty space for God to work but instantly filled with word games, social media and countless hours flicking birds across a screen.  When is the Holy Spirit supposed to grab our attention if we have every crack filled with meaningless fluff?

When we got married, we wanted to be and epic romance type marriage.  We wanted our grandchildren to see us bear each other’s burdens, hold hands and sit way too close on the couch.  We wanted to set an example of deep love for generation to look upon.  Instead we play angry birds and ignore each other when we finally get time alone.  This may come as a shock to you, but this will not lead to a legacy of epic love.

If I want to receive wisdom about my family, I need to have time to reflect upon my interactions with them.  If I want great stories to weave into my writing, I need to click off my iPhone and look around once in a while.  If I want to heal and process, I need to leave empty space for God to do his miraculous work.

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Think about this poem for a second or two.  What are you filing the cracks in your life?  What needs to change?  I don’t know anyone who sets out to live a mediocre life, purposefully missing out of the deep and beautiful.  We fight through pain and heartache that finds us and climb to places of peace.  When we get there we take a deep breath and… pull out our phones?  No, not okay.  I do this, it’s not okay, and it won’t lead to the life I am called to.

Please don’t get me wrong, Technology has its place, without it I would just be a girl at a kitchen table with a snazzy journal.  But there’s a balance, and right now I am on the wrong side of it.  My teeter needs to totter the other way and find a happy medium.

If want some additional thoughts on this topic, check out this article from my friend Sarah Martin.  Relevant liked it, so you should too:

Have you felt this feeling?  The discontentment, the longing to respond to a call of something more?

Is it just me? It can’t be…  Can we journey this change together?

  • Hannah

    Great post, Leanne! I needed this reminder.