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Yesterday I had a shame-spiral type meltdown, I couldn’t tell you exactly why. We all have shockingly bad days that hit from left field. Yesterday morning an impressively bad mood knocked on my door and made itself at home in my heart. It stayed until about 2:00 in the afternoon when I finally got the common sense to give it the big heave ho. Until that point I felt small, useless and I could only view my work and passion as a joke. From my kids to my words I felt like everyone was laughing at me.
It took a phone call from a dear friend and a lot of quiet reflection to help me realize that I was being selfish and a half. I had been living in a rhythm where my days and weeks centered around finding my joy in what other people thought of me. She pointed about that until I stop living that cycle that the joy in my spirit will always ebb and flow, not my happiness, but my joy. My hope and my self worth cannot depend on my circumstances. We decided that if I was going to do what I set out to do, IE: Write a book proposal and parent passionately, that I had to put my big girl panties (more on this later) on and do it. That it was like being pregnant, once you go down that road you cannot turn back.
The truth of the matter is that we are all trying to get to the same place regardless of what our passions or callings are. We have to climb to a high altitude place where we are content in our God alone, period. It is the only guarantee we have, which is terribly scary and hard to process, we love our places and our people and rightfully so. But fully living hinges on finding your full contentment in God, in all three parts. We have heard that said at least 742 times at church and we know that we should live like that, but it sounds a little lofty and unattainable, but the truth is that placing our trust anywhere else leads to fearful living.
I’ve been through painful seasons and I have learned that if you want to live without fear, with Gods love and passion pulsing through you, that you have to find contentment in him. Because and I am sorry to say this, life will continue to hand you painful seasons and bad days, wave upon wave. It will happen, and when you recover, it will happen again. So we can’t find our strength and peace in our circumstances because they will continue to fail us and then we will fall and spend too many wasted days on the floor reaching for a foothold.
So, back to the big girl panties, I am putting mine on. I’m begging God to teach me how to live rooted in him alone so that I can carry out the calling I’m hearing in my heart. To signify how seriously I am taking this I drew up a picture of myself, donning the aforementioned panties. It it turns out that they are plaid, which is kind of awesome.
I am not “there” yet. No one really is, but I’m going on the record and saying that this is me, with tiger striped running shoes and plaid panties on, determined to focus on the essential, drop the distractions and keep taking steps forward. When I wake up and feel crappy, I pray that God will remind me that I’m strong, I’m lovely and I am called to something unique, but I can only carry that out with my roots in his strong foundation.
I hope that God speaks to you through this, that he affirms you, that you will join me on the lofty and life giving climb of finding your everything in Christ alone.
We are all seeking contentment, we are all scared of something we are being called to, so lets all put our respective big girl panties or big boy boxers on and find our peace in being faithful to walking our individual paths.