Another day started at 5:30 to the sounds of a crying baby boy, one day shy of his first birthday. Another blog written from a dated dinette table, sticky with this morning’s oatmeal breakfast, chunks of which sit just a few inches from my laptop.
The totally unnoticeable difference is that I am desperately trying to start and stay in connection with God today, among my mess. As a banner over it all I wrote the following verse on our chalkboard as our daily bread:
“Whatever you do, whether in word or in deed, do it all in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, giving thanks to God father through him.”
I want my parenting, wife-ing, cleaning, cooking, writing, and everything to be Jesus.
By 8:15 I found myself clinging to those words, my last nerve wearing thin to the constant repetitive demands of my two year old. “Read this dinosaur book mommy, read it? Read it? Read it? Have it mommy? Have it? Have it? Mickey mommy? Mickey? I want Mickey Mickey Mickey.”
Inwardly I begin to scream at her, but outwardly I stay calm, a small grace, a small victory. I know my limits so I head to the shower and catch a glimpse of my face close up in my husband’s shaving mirror. The kind that makes your normal size pores look like swiss cheese and your minimal blemishes look massive. Great… I hate that mirror, thanks for pointing out my zits.
As I breathe in the steam my thoughts drift to the message from yesterdays church service. It was called better, a word which has nearly ruined my life. The perspective from our pastor was that life with God is better, that constant awareness of the spirit, communication through prayer and obedience of his word will lead to BETTER life. Gods way is BETTER than the “good way” of this world, and it is. Unquestionably.
Here is my problem, the word Better has stolen so much from me. At the end of a day, a date, a meal, a moment, when I stop to reflect on what I have been given, my response is so often, it could have been better. When I self evaluate, I could always do better, be better, do everything and be everything better. When applied to performance better is an impossible goal because there is always an elusive better out there, forever out of reach. When faced with the word Better I am always reminded that I am currently not good enough.
Then among the steam of the shower a small thought drifts in. What if all I am is enough for today? What if the small amount of money at our disposal today is enough? What if the patience and mental energy I have for my family is enough? What if the time I have to pray and be is enough? Just enough to keep me coming back for more.
It’s all over the bible isn’t it? He asks me simply to be content with what I have been given today. He tells me that the means with which I have been asked to do “right now” are enough. If they are from him, then they are enough. The deafening and constant voice demanding more and better isn’t the voice of Abba, father, but that which steals me from him.
Is Gods way better? Yes, of course yes. But that word, it’s hard for me.
I think ENOUGH suits me BETTER right now.
I have enough, I have all I need to do this day, he wants me returning to him, renewing in him, I don’t have endless amounts, but just enough to do this small right here, just enough to keep me returning to the source.
He isn’t demanding better… he is giving enough.