I’m mostly an optimist, a joy seeker, except when I’m not. Then I’m a pessimistic cynic.
For example, when an amazing possibility pops up on my horizon, the kind that stands to fulfill my wildest dreams, I immediately get cynical and closed off. It’s probably too good to be true so inevitably it’s not going to happen, God’s going to say no.
I try to pray God’s will, but those prayers aren’t always honest. I have my mind and heart so dead set on getting the answer I want that praying God’s will is sort of a lie. I want my will, because God’s will could be no. What I want would make me really happy and make my insides dance, so I bet God says no. His will probably involves me growing in patience as I learn to love a non-ideal situation, that’s how he rolls.
I know all the cliches and Christian responses but they aren’t always helpful. You tell me “You only want to be in the center of God’s will.” and I say “Of course, you’re right. Confession: inside I’m saying “Yeah I know… but I really want that ….job, that house etc…”
So I’m flipping God off again and telling him that I know better. Wow… I just don’t learn do I?
What I’ve found to be most helpful lately is not focusing on how perfect God’s will is going to be someday but how perfect it has been in the past. How many times I’ve wanted one thing, thrown a fit when I didn’t get it, and then later in hindsight realized how perfect God’s provision and timing turned out to be.
What if I’d married the two boyfriends I prayed for proposals from?
What if I’d gotten that church job in Grand Rapids my senior year of college?
What if I’d grown up to train seeing eye dogs or ride stunts horses in the rodeo like I’d prayed for in 3rd grade?
I love my husband, my home, my call to write… maybe God really does know best…
Platitudes don’t work for me, but the proof is in my life. Usually I’m too blinded by the immediate to see the long term best, it takes time to realize God was right. Luckily he’s fine with waiting for me to come around.
God wants me to be deeply fulfilled and full of joy. His goal is for all his kids to realize the potential he put inside, although he may sprinkle in somewhat irritating teachable moments along the way.
I don’t know what God’s will is in the long run, but I know that if I can learn to trust it that I will always be deeply in love with my life. This perspective isn’t easy to come by and in my humanity I’ll likely fumble and lose sight of it again. This is to be expected, I’m about as graceful in my spiritual life as I am on the dance floor, and I’m a terrible dancer, just ask my ballroom ballerino husband.
Still I love the dance, I love the dance.
Are you sick of platitudes and cliches too? Lets look together for the proof of God’s perfect will in his past provision.
I pray that we all breathe in some patience this weekend and find some peace that maybe, just maybe, I’m just where I’m supposed to be today.