Where jumping looks like walking away

Yesterday I wrote about jumping into something swirling and blue, about immersing myself truly in the belief that whatever God has in store of me- that it will be wild and sweet, even when it’s terribly painful.

Today that jumping in seems to be calling me to walk away for a bit.

I try to write here four days a week and to keep up with all of you and what God is putting on your hearts.  And I love it, truly and deeply.

Lately I’ve also been working like made to restore old furniture and convert old sheets into shabby chic rag rugs.  I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be, I think I’m called to be a writer.  But… I always feel I need to be bringing in more money, somehow, through an old chair or a hat,.

I fear there won’t be enough so I try to as kel puts it: “Hock whatever I can from our dining room table.”  Although, now I’m wondering if this isn’t about a lack of trust.

And I’ve been mothering, but not well.

And I’ve been praying, but not really.

And I’ve been reading, but barely.

mostly it’s been a furious effort into something without a vision, attacking something I’m very unclear on in a wild effort to make more of little.

I’ve worked my hands dry and my elbows sore.  I have been busy mothering, cooking, cleaning, folding, writing, crocheting, tearing, painting and my life feels too full.

My soul feels like a hot mess right now.

I need to take out all of these things and lay them on the table, sift through them and see what goes where.

I need to wipe the slate cleanish, and see what colors belong on the canvas.

So I am shutting the digital world out until Saturday to listen for messages that come from something deeper.

This isn’t because blogging, tweeting or facebook-ing is bad or wrong.  It isn’t.  In fact for me it’s quite often a gift.  Some days you all are the community that sustains my solitary at home with kids way of living.

But I’m called this week to abstain from almost all of it so that I can be filled again with the right things in the proper order.

  • Amanda

    Yes, I know the feeling… the hubs and I have agreed to a screen-time fast at home for awhile so we can cast a vision together. Praying for wisdom and clarity for you, too.

    • http://leannepenny.wordpress.com leannepenny

      I hope that it’s going well for you guys. Vision casting with your hubby sounds like a winning idea.

  • http://www.sortacrunchy.net/ SortaCrunchy

    Sabbath is always, always good. There is so much to hear when we step away from digital noise. And first it feels strange, and then it feels WONDERFUL. (You may not want to come back!)

    Good for you for being self-aware and making soul matters a priority. Happy resting and wandering and discovering, friend.

    • http://leannepenny.wordpress.com leannepenny

      Thank you, you were spot on. Weird, then wonderful! I want to be back but with a LOT more balance.

  • Heather Tiger

    Maybe it is a season many moms are going through..to much to do, too much doing, not enough being authentic to who God wants us to be. I have a few other mom friends going through similar funks, including myself. I feel like I am trying to outrun the grip of depression again by clinging to the doing. Thank you for putting thoughts into action and being an inspiration yet again. Blessings and prayers on your Sabbath seeking.

    • http://leannepenny.wordpress.com leannepenny

      Thank you, It’s so good to know that I’m not the only one doing this busyness into seeking. Blessings to you and all who are feeling funky. (and not the glitter ball, platform shoes kind… although blessings to them too I suppose)

  • http://twitter.com/Vaderalman Mark Allman (@Vaderalman)

    Leanne,
    I think life always will throw at you more than you can do. At times what you are choosing from it not good and bad but best and better. I certainly know that one needs to make sure they are following what matters most to them. They should make sure the things that are their priorities are handled first and foremost. You also must take care of yourself in terms of your own physical, spiritual, and mental well being. It you don’t then how would anyone expect to benefit someone else. If you are doing these things that you value the most and then have some time to do other things have a list of what you would do in what order and then do it. You are a very good writer and are gifted that way. I think in life we all go through times when our life is not balanced like we wished it was. That is ok and be ok with that. As long as you take care of your top priorities the others will wait and will be better for it.

    • http://leannepenny.wordpress.com leannepenny

      This last line of your comment says it al Mark, the top priorities come first and the rest is just details, some can wait, some needs to be cut.

  • http://lauriecoombs.org lauriecoombs

    Blessings to you my dear sister as you take your rest! I heard some wise words once said. It went something like this: we can busy ourselves with much. Most of which or all of which may be good things. But we must continually ask ourselves and pray for God to reveal which of these things are we called to do. How much of what we do is of us and how much is of the Lord! I’ll be praying…

    • http://leannepenny.wordpress.com leannepenny

      I love that, and you’re absolutely right here. There are good things and then there are GOD things. Sorting is all out is tricky but with space comes room for the holy spirit to nudge I think.

  • http://twitter.com/life_edited Amanda Williams (@life_edited)

    I’ve also been mothering, but not well. Praying, but not really. Reading, but just barely. I get all of this, and I support your going away BRIEFLY. I support your going away briefly. Rest well, friend. xoxox

    • http://leannepenny.wordpress.com leannepenny

      Thank you, and me too, and I’m with you in all of it. I’m back, I kept it brief, now I must catch up on what those twins of yours have done to you this week. I BOTH sat and stepped in my son’s poop and couldn’t tweet about it! #firstworldproblems