My house is a weird and cluttered mess of coffee cups and laundry right now. My floors are sprinkled with dead leaves, cheerios and little people toys. My sinks need a good ol fashioned “soft scrub” treatment and our toilets well, let’s never mind those.
Life has gotten away from me again and I have the piles of dishes and laundry to prove it.
I don’t have anything pretty or polished to show off and my eyes are purply baggy-saggy from all our recent sleepless nights of coughing and fitful dreams.
Remember when I used to come through your house in a huff? I would strut around like a snooty peacock making snarky comments about what you were eating, wearing, watching and the state of your refrigerator.
I know that I made you feel awful about yourself and I claimed that I wasn’t doing it on purpose.
But you know what? I think that I was.
I think somewhere in my messed up head I thought you’d see me in all my fake perfection and want to make some healthy changes in your life.
Yet, I know now that no one ever inspired positive change in others by rubbing it in their face. Real, loving help comes with side by side humility and oodles of patience.
And honestly, I’m not sure that would have worked either. Some days I’m not sure if I ever could made a difference in your overall health and then other day’s I’m certain that I could have, but went about it all wrong.
Some days I blame myself and other days I blame you. I always blame the depression but I’m still not sure where the line is between what you could control and what was beyond you.
Yet none of it excuses the bitchy peacock treatment I so often gave you.
So for the strutting around, I’m sorry
For the talking down, I’m sorry
For the lack of love I am ever and always sorry sorry sorry.
I hope you felt loved, I hope that somehow your mother heart could see that my behavior stemmed from feelings of abandonment and confusion and not malice or hate.
It was love mom, confused, misspoken love. I’m not sure you could have ever interpreted it that way.
Tomorrow I will sign off, our letters in this space are nearly coming to a close but I think they’ve started a conversation between us that will never end.
I love you, I miss you,