31 Letters to my Mother {Day 23} Anxiety-ectomy

This is your daughter, on anxiety. Get the picture?

Dear Mom,

I usually get a hearty take home when I drive back from church.  It may be for spiritual discipline, my marriage or parenting, it varies.

This week’s lesson stung, acutely accurate and painful.  I was hit over the head by all my anxiety for the future and my low level of trust in God as provider.  All this worry, this heart that’s empty of trust, well it’s a sin Mom, and God hates what it’s doing to me.

I always used genes as an excuse, but no longer.  It’s causing me pain and loneliness and it’s driving a wedge between me and God.

I have no idea where the line is between chemical depression and anxiety and the spiritual sort.

I know that the depression and anxiety I do have I’ve inherited through genes and environment.  I don’t blame you for a speck of it, because there’s no point in it.  I don’t romanticize you but I’m done being angry and all about remembering the best parts of you.

Yet if it’s alright, I’m going to try to get rid of as much of this anxiety and worry as I can manage.  I’m praying that it’s 100%.

I know I shouldn’t beat myself up when I fall, but how much better would life be if we could take the phrase: “Worry won’t add a single day to your life” from something trite to something truly lived out?

I’m betting it’s about 1715% better.

I want to remove it from my life, from my heart, an anxiety-ectomy if you will.

Never fear, I’ll still be your daughter and bring you along in my heart in lots of ways, with muffins, kisses and dancing in the kitchen.  But this inherited anxiety, I’m pretty sure you don’t want me to carry it around if I can help it.

And I think that maybe, through the spirit in me, I can lay it down.  It’s not a part of our legacy that we want to pass on, is it?

I want it to end with me.

I love you, I miss you

LeaRae

If you’re interested in the sermon that I’m referencing, it’s Lifechurch.tv’s Love and Hate part two.