My Manna (what’s sustaining me)

heart bread

This week I told you that I picked up some extra work to improve our financial situation. Well, in doing so I gave up my Tuesday and Thursday kid-free work time, it’s all the way gone.  I had no idea how deeply this would wear on me until the weekend came and I realized that I’ve had little to no quiet-alone time in the past few weeks.

I’m the sort of person who needs to retreat to process life, and life just hasn’t allowed for that lately.  Even my writing is crammed into stress-filled spaces and is starting to feel like a burden instead of a joy.

I eluded to this in my What I’m into February post but I can’t stay awake in the evenings anymore.  As soon as, and sometimes before, the kids fall asleep, I conk out on the couch and Kel nudges me to bed as I mutter protests like: “But I miss you, we never talk anymore.” or “I have stuff I want to do now that they’re sleeping….”

But I obey and fall asleep with unbrushed teeth and makeup still in place.  I regret it in the morning, but let’s be honest, I’m already asleep and sleeping people don’t swing by the sink.

This is a tough rhythm to sustain and tonight Kel and I are going to talk about how to change things up a bit to squeeze in some much needed self-care.  But I know that in the long run it will be one of those “push through” and “it’s just for a season” times in our life and I’m making my peace with it.

Yet, God keeps feeding me with nibbles here and there and they’re my manna, just enough, nothing extravagant but 100% nourishing for the next step.

This is what manna looks like for me right now

THIS CONCEPT: “This is just a season, seasons always, always change.” ~I don’t know who said this originally but it’s sustained me though countless hard days.  If it’s tough, soldier on, see how you can change it, keep your eye on the fact that it’s not forever.  ’nuff said.

THESE SONGS: “I am the Lord your God, I go before you now, I’m always with you, I’m all around you.” ~God is before me, he’s already working in getting us out of this, he’s there and I simply need to mind my “here.”

“How great the father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure” ~Yes, it is, I can’t stop looking for it.

“Thou my best thought by day or by night, waking or sleeping, thy presence my light… Riches I need not nor man’s empty praise, thou my inheritance now and always” ~He is, don’t forget it!  God is always my best thought, always, always, I forget so often but he uses little things to pull me by the neck and yank me to the flock.

(I’m a hymn girl, you should know this by now)

THESE MEMORIES
My Dad playing me “how bad do you want it?” in our kitchen 8 years ago and telling me that as soon as I locked on to what I was called to do, that there would be no stopping me.

My friend Tiffany calling me the day after mom my died to tell me that God woke her up at 3am strongly urging her to tell me that I was to write about my journey… and she wasn’t the only one that day.  I am called to write… it’s not a joke, it’s not a hobby, it’s my thing, I can’t lose heart.  Can you guys help me with this one?  Because honestly… losing heart seems easier some days.

THESE MOMENTS
Caedmon now runs to me after any separation and flings himself into my arms, my heart skips a beat.  I’m his mom, we’re a family, we will change things.

Noelle brings me any heart she can find and tells me that she loves me, because hearts mean love.  And whoa do I love this tender hearted, curly haired girl back.

Kel’s repeated tender response to my inner struggle to re-define my time and calling with the vastly new schedule and all the unknowns.  The way he’s about the bring me breakfast in bed, which he left a bit early so I could get my thoughts out.

Now you, what’s your manna?  What little bites nourish you these days?