When we embark on new, challenging things I suspect that it’s usually in an endeavor to turn over a rock and find something priceless.
To learn something about our selves or our world or our God that we’d totally missed in our old rhythms of life.
So when I set out to blog about 31 days of “here” I expected to find something new in-between the lines.
A new rhythm of sustaining my life as a blogger AND a real, skin to skin human person who breathes oxygen but has been a tad too busy to notice it.
What I didn’t expect was a panic attack on day 16 or to delete every social media app off of my phone on day 17. And finally I didn’t expect to quit my #31days of blogging on day 18.
I thought I’d push through like I did last year, you’d think that engaging the here and now would be so much easier than writing 31 letters to one’s late mother.
Turns out you’d be wrong. When you set out to find the beauty in here and now, eventually you have to examine the you who lives here… and now.
When I did that I learned that I was one forever consumed with how my life stacked up to those of my peers. Distracted and frenzied by all that I wasn’t.
And that one practice was completely stealing my ability to live and love here.
Stealing my ability to believe that I am enough, as I am, naked and alone in an empty room.
Enough for God
Enough for my Family
Enough for my friends (iffing I put clothes on in said metaphor)
I’m enough. I am. But I’m struggling to believe this, so for a while I need to smallify… shrink down… worry about what less people are up to.
Stop comparing my struggle with other people’s successes.
You want to know the what the biggest hurdle was? The idea that my blog stats and social media buzz might die.
(There’s this thing in blogging where It’s easy to get wrapped up in how many people respond to your heart once you fling it out there, as I somewhat have)
Eventually God sat me down: I love you, and if you think that my desire to set you free in this world and redeem your story can be stopped by something as petty as stats… then we have bigger issues. So walk away a bit love, the internet will go on without you.
And it will. And I bet you will too.
What does this look like practically? Well I’m relieving the pressure in the following ways:
1) Dropping out of #31days of writing, I need rest and peace and time to be still.
2) Deleting all social media apps from my phone for a while. I need a new rhythm
3) Staying off the places where I feel small and less than, even if their intent is pure and beautiful (like Instagram)
I will still write, I will still check in, I’ll still be here…. Just a lot less so.
I’m going to go take some time to be me, as I am, with my people, in October, a month that captures my soul and breathes new life in the midst of the dying.