God, I don’t give this to you.

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It was past midnight, maybe three AM when I found myself face down on our dingy comforter silently sobbing these words:

God I give this to you, I give it to you, I give it to you.

I sat up. I got honest.

God I don’t give this you, not today. I fully acknowledge that it IS IN FACT yours right now but my fingers won’t unclench. They will not release. Today I cannot let this drop into your hands where I fully understand that it already rests.

Today I am grasping, today I lack the faith, today I am fully of reasons not to trust you but God… will you help me? 

Could you love me, even now when my fear and faithlessness gather into piles of reasons why you shouldn’t? 

God I am through pretending that I leave my endeavors, my people, my life, my plans in your hands because I think we both see me scrambling for control, for the reigns, for the false hope that I was ever in charge in the first place.

I wonder if the only way to get somewhere in all of this is to sit up straight, walk out of bed, turn on the lamp and confess to you plainly that I do not trust you. That I do not give this to you… but that I want to, deeply, with a desperation kin a deep, desert thirst.

Continue to romance me? To pry my fingers open one by one saying “dear one, dear one… I got this. I got it love, please let go, drop it into the hands that have never stopped holding it. I know you are wounded, I know that you have questions and reasons why the only person who can make things okay is you but I promised you freedom and I will never stop calling you thusly.

He cannot promise he that everything will be okay
That there will not be additional pain, even loss.
That promise does not exist friends.

So tonight I sit up in the midnight hour and confess honestly the heart space in which I find myself.

God I do not trust with you my children and I do not trust you with my husband.
I do not trust you with our provision and I do not trust that you go before.

But God? I want to.

Can you spare a bit more patience? Go with me a while longer while I point out all the ways in which you have let my prayers fall through the cracks or be answered with the worst possible ends?

Will you forgive me my faithlessness a bit longer while I come to terms with it and beg a bit more forgiveness? A bit more love, a bit more time on our journey back to trust.

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  • Kati Rose

    YES. Yes. Oh, how this resonates. How many times have I clenched my fists and been so afraid to let go. Thanks for sharing your heart with such honesty.

    • http://www.leannepenny.com Leanne Penny

      Thank you Kati for reading, we’re on this journey together… may we breathe easier day by day.

  • http://www.tanyamarlow.com/ Tanya Marlow

    LOVE this.

  • http://simply-rea.blogspot.com Rea

    So honest. So true.

  • http://everydayawe.com/ Stephanie Spencer

    The power of honest prayer is huge! I have been discovering it myself lately. I thought I was being honest before, but I’ve realized how much I was hiding or trying and am moving toward something deeper. I’m so glad you got to the place you did, and so hopeful about what that will mean for you. (Even though I’m also sorry for what has lead you to that place.)

    Have you ever heard of the practice of welcoming prayer? It has been huge for me in recent weeks. A bit of a recognition that all of who I am and all of how I feel is always in the presence of God. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/philfoxrose/2013/10/the-welcoming-prayer/

    Thanks for posting this and sharing your journey with us.

  • megan w

    I feel like that’s the story of my life!

  • Stacy A

    Gosh, I love you. You speak my heart as if you knew me well, and yet we don’t know each other, not beyond just a few online communications here and there. Thank you for this. God and I wrestle with this all. the. time. But He has been so good to remind me He loves me through it all, He knows I’m broken, He understands where I’m coming from … and then, just like you wrote, He reminds me to trust Him anyway. Honesty isn’t going to send Him running away from us. I think it pulls Him closer. ^_^

  • http://dontstopbelieving.me/ Brenda W.

    I often find myself in a similar place. This comforts me!

  • http://dramaticelegance.blogspot.com/ rachel lee

    ohh yes. this is so comforting. I too struggle with giving my husband, my daughter, my family, my home, even my pets and my wallet and my laptop to the Lord. I have these issues of trust, issues with letting go. you spoke so much gentle truth here, love.