Hiding

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Yesterday I got an email from our Insurance office, that looked a little like spam but also kind of authentic. So I called the number and it was a real person on the other end of the line. Our office needed our new contact info and we had neglected to update them on addresses and phone numbers. So she googled me, and found my blog, and read my story, and asked… “Do you still write on there?”

Ummm… sometimes…

At first it felt like a coincidence… and then a kick in the pants.

I have been hiding. I have, it’s just time to admit it.

This is not one of those posts that I am doing drafts of guys, this is just happening really quickly before someone wakes up for school… for which we need to leave in less than an hour.

Last week my dear grandma passed away due to heart troubles.
This past Monday my Dad would have been 60
This past Tuesday marked the five year anniversary of my Mom’s passing.

I’ve been busy, I’ve been sick with Mastitis … I’ve been hiding and using a lot of really valid excuses not to think about any of it at all.

I can’t write about it because the timing isn’t just right… I’m not at the right coffee shop, the baby is probably going to wake up soon or I’m just too tired.

I haven’t been praying about it because I’m not sure where I stand with God…

I haven’t been talking with friends about it because I am pretty sure they are sick of hearing me whine or talk about what’s wrong in my life.

I haven’t been processing any of it, I’ve been watching TV and hiding.

And here is the thing, the hiding doesn’t feel good, in fact just the opposite. The more I hide, the worse I feel, the more TV I binge on… the less I feel like myself.

funny, true, a little pinchy...

funny, true, a little pinchy…

The depression, the loneliness, the guilt, the grief, they’re all sitting on the couch with me, watching Hulu and waiting for their moment.

When I think about the person that my Dad, Mom and Grandma raised me to be, I’m pretty sure that TV binging and obsessing over laundry didn’t make their short list.

They saw in me the seeds God planted when he formed me. The prayed for me daily, and they meant it.

They didn’t pray… Lord may she watch a lot of Netflix and always have all the socks folded.

It’s okay to hide for a while, until you start to loathe yourself. Then it’s time to put the remote in the drawer and do the hard work of sorting through your life for better … or for worse.

While I was surfing Facebook on my nightly social media loop (which indicates a downward spiral signifying I should GO TO BED ALREADY) I saw this on my former Pastor’s Facebook page.

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Some of my suffering has made me better, more open minded and tuned in… but lately?

Nope. Bitter, closed, and completely unaware and ungrateful for the gifts in my life.

Ignoring those gifts quite completely in fact.

So with this cup of coffee and this messy blog post, I seek to change that, to put all my fears and pain and worries on the table and figure out what to do with them. Pray, journal, read a book about it…. talk to an expert… talk to a friend… live this life I have been given with all it’s smooth lines and sharp corners.

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  • Anne

    I needed to read this. Thank you.

  • Abby Norman

    I love this and you so much.

    • http://www.leannepenny.com Leanne Penny

      Ditto. Ditto indeed.

  • http://askthatquestion.blogspot.ca/ Kelly W

    We hear you and are pinched too. Even though my stage is completely different than yours! My sympathy on the passing of your Grandma and the sad anniversaries of the last week. Do remember to be gentle with yourself as you walk though these challenges. Blessings.

    • http://www.leannepenny.com Leanne Penny

      Thank you for the reminder of gentleness, often I am so gifted at self-care. Peace be with us in the pinching and may the stages grow and change us into something lovely for the journey.

  • http://www.ricktheule.com/ Rick Theule

    The longer I go between writing, the heavier the compression becomes on my chest. I know better. I know what God wants me to do. I hide from it too. My fallen self thinks it’s easier to hide behind my depression and exhaustion. My fallen self is an idiot. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll keep writing if you keep writing.

    • http://www.leannepenny.com Leanne Penny

      Sounds like a Good Deal Sir 😉

  • pastordt

    Kudos, Leanne. I see you in there. And I’m delighted to see you here. Delighted.

  • http://uphillanddown.wordpress.com megan w

    This is a beautiful post. I know these feelings, for slightly different reasons, but the postpartum season has been very hard on me. Thank you for sharing your struggles.