What Oklahoma Gave me: A Beginning

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Hello from a laundry basket in the middle of our mostly empty living room floor.

I have a grapefruit sized lump in my throat that makes basic function tricky.

I can see the sun coming up through the oval leaded glass window on our front door and it rises on my last moments in this home.  (and it’s all soundtracked by Jamey Johnson’s “In Color“)  

(If it looks like we were scared to death like a couple of kids just trying to save each other… you should have seen it in color)

And suddenly I’m watching a music montage of my own life happening all around me Continue reading

Cooking my way through Bread and Wine (A review of Shauna Niequist’s new book)

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goat cheese scrambled eggs and potato pancakes in bed, ala Kel.

Shauna Niequist will always be one of my favorite authors. Her authentic style of essay/memoir blend played a big part in my development as a writer.

She will always be a gracious and unwitting big sister to me in the writing world, I like to pretend she dosn’t mind.

I got to meet her last fall at the STORY conference and I was such a spaz.  I nervously gushed all over her just after meeting Anne Lammott, It’s a wonder I didn’t pass out completely.  I said and did all the typical things ones says and does when meet a personal hero.  But Shauna was gracious about my fan-spasm and eventually my knees recovered from the Anne/Shauna experience.

So when I got the opportunity to receive an advance copy of Shauna’s new book Bread & Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table with Recipes , I jumped at the opportunity.  When it came I skipped from the mailbox to the couch and began to slowly digest every word.

As I moved through the chapters I added the recipes to our menu plan, one by one. They seemed to fit organically into our life, until one day I counted and I’d inadvertently cooked my way through half the book.

Food Collage 1

winter white bean soup, bacon wrapped dates and Nigellas brownies with cream cheese icing for St Patrick’s day.

At that point I decided to keep going, and to cook my way through the entire book, Julie and Julia style (with the exception of 4 recipes, most of which used wheat flour and wouldn’t work well for our GF family)

Why did I decide to do this?  I’m not sure exactly, it seemed like a fun goal and a great way to try new recipes.

Or perhaps I needed something to focus on other than all the unknowns of our impending move.

Or maybe somewhere inside I realized that my cooking rhythm had become rote and monotonous and I needed the creative new life held in these recipes. Continue reading

On moving in, finding grace and moving on (a letter for the new woman of my house)

Dear Future Woman of this house,

I don’t know your name, I keep forgetting to look every time I sign yet another official document.

Your realtor told me you fell in love with this place instantly. I hope this was partly because of the architecture and partly because you felt the warmth we’ve cultivated here.  I’ve been praying that this home would invite just the right family in to stay. People who would love doing life here as much as we have, who would appreciate the sunsets and gather around the table with hunger and gusto.

I know you’re planning on painting the red wall in the living room, I don’t blame you, I’ve being wanting to do it for a few years now. Red seemed like such a great idea five years back but color schemes have cooled down a lot. I was going to paint it a gray/aqua, just a suggestion because of course, it’s your house now. Or it will be in a few short weeks.

home truth

I know you’re excited and you probably want to get everything perfect as soon as humanly possible. You might, like I did, think that a beautiful home is one that’s pristinely clean and tastefully decorated all the time, but it’s not.  One thing that I’ve learned in my five years as a homeowner is that a home is always a work in progress and that the beauty is in the life contained within the house more than the artwork on the walls.

Just as we souls are never finished, neither is a home. There is always work to be done, make peace with this as soon as you can.

I’ve heard that you plan to bring babies home into these walls, this makes me smile broadly because this is a wonderful place to snuggle newborns.  I’ve walked through the white, leaded-glass door with two brand new lives, carrying in my heart all the excitement and fear that comes alongside motherhood.

I nursed new babies half asleep in a glider and walked trails into the carpet soothing their newborn needs.  We woke up in the middle of the night to their cries over and over again, we still do.  You’ll find the hallway layout is such that you don’t really need a monitor, but we installed one anyway and watched their every crib movement from only 12 feet and one wall away.

I learned about sacrifice and selflessness in this house and I suspect that you will too. The first years of marriage are hard and adjusting to marriage with kids doesn’t come naturally either. The living room has seen arguments and make-out sessions the likes of which you wouldn’t believe.

The kitchen walls were splattered with cookie dough one Christmas after a fight over using whole wheat flour in cookies (which I’ve learned isn’t worth the extra fiber.)  I sat in the car with wet socks stewing in anger but I never left home.

The driveway is a good place to cool down, but as soon as you can go back inside.  Always go back inside and keep working at loving well.

This home is a place for staying but it’s also a place to for going somewhere.  Every season will give way to a new one and lessons learned add up to progress and depth.  As you stay within these walls, you’ll move and change as a family in ways that you never imagined.  No home leaves you the same, who knows where this home may take you?

Oh and use the tub, use it frequently and often.  I’ll leave you tips on cleaning it and the shower as well.  I may as well pass it on and make your life a little easier, who wants to clean the bathroom any more than they have to?  Nobody, that’s who.

But mostly, If I could offer you one piece of advice, if these walls could whisper one word to you it would be this:  Grace sister, just grace.

Grace and deep breaths as you get everything settled and make it feel like home, your own brand new home.  Grace as you hang wedding pictures and order just the right curtains.  Grace as you tuck into bed exhausted and discouraged that you didn’t get it all done.  Tomorrow is another day, remember a home is never finished.

May new life come easily to you. May you find grace in your pregnancy and peace in your impatience to hold your new person.  Put your feet up and breathe deeply again in this season, love it as best you can.  Oh and remember:  Babies don’t care what color the walls are or how well-themed the nursery is, babies just want to eat, sleep and feel love.

Grace as you learn that you can’t get nearly as much done with children as you could before.  May your standards lower and may you make peace with it, may you learn to rethink your definition of a successful day.

Oh and when they start walking I recommend moving out the coffee table for a while to foster a safe space for toddling and exploration, trust me the cute coffee table books aren’t worth the banged up baby foreheads.

But really, it’s your house now, in a few short weeks I’ll turn in my keys and this place that seems like it’s been my home forever will become your future and my memory.  A bittersweet moving on for us and a joyful coming home for you.  

Grace. Shalom. Blessings.

Valentines Revolution (up with everyday love)

sb10062822c-001 Hey you, I see you.

Sitting in your living room on Valentines Eve swearing that if you see another jewelry commercial featuring a couple strolling in Paris or spooning in a mountain cabin you’re going to throw Legos at the tv.

Because that’s not real life, is it?

I don’t know about you but diamonds aren’t in our budget right now, neither are chocolate dipped fruit baskets or extravagant bouquets of flowers.

Nope, we lead a pretty practical life these days and diamonds are way off the radar. Five years ago I told Kel that I’d like one new piece of jewelry every couple of years so I’d have heirlooms to pass along to our grandchildren.

Just a few days ago I told him that all I really wanted for Valentines Day was more sippy cups, because we’re down to three and it’s making my life hell.

Because maybe if we had a few more sippy cups, maybe if there was one load less laundry, maybe if the kids would sleep until 7AM.. maybe I would have something left to give him in the evening.

If I’m honest, by the time it’s just the two of us, I’m spent.  I have no more “me” leftover for him.  My brain is burned crispy from the heat of the day.

It’s painful to admit it, but most nights find us passed out on different couches in front of the TV, with our iPhones in front of our faces.  Most nights we exchange less than 200 words before we pass out on opposite sides of our King bed.

Our romance flame is flickering, but I believe with everything I am that it’s not beyond hope.  It just needs oxygen, fuel for the fire.

I have hope for romance in the every day, even though it seems miles away from our “here” I believe it’s only a breath away.

I will never surrender the hope when it comes to my marriage, I will never give up on the magic we discovered in the beginning.  We’re still here, we’re not dead, so anything is possible.

So… Daily life?  Stress?  Consider yourself warned, you’ve been put on alert, you will not steal my romance, you will not dominate my marriage.

Sure you’ll win a few battles here and there, but the war is ours.

Tomorrow I’ll get up and stick a love notes to Kel’s mirror.

I’ll shave my legs, because on Valentine’s Day, I like to be prepared.

I’ll kiss him as soon as he walks in the door from work instead of being too distracted to greet him properly.

479010_63570709I refuse to let this cycle continue, I will crack any screen that continues to get in my way because I believe in Romance in the Every day, diapers be damned.

Real women everywhere?  Let’s start a revolution.  Down with the fancy and unrealistic and up with romance where we can get it, right where we are.

Let’s stand up and refuse to let ridiculous commercials and costly babysitters convince us that Valentines Day is out for us.

We will have picnics on the living room floor, we will pick up bottles of champagne and drink them in our Pajamas, surrounded by toys.

We will get frisky, funky and all around serious about our marriages.

Because I don’t know about you, but I’m NOT throwing in the towel, Instead I’m throwing down the gauntlet.

(Hey all, when I moved to a self-hosted blog, email subscriptions were lost was well, if you would like to get new posts delivered, with a bow, into your inbox, use the subscribe box in the top right of the sidebar, to do so)

Falling in a Vintage Lincoln (a Valentine’s Day warm-up)

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This morning I was coloring with Caedmon and I drew him a car, because he’s crazy about cars these days.

I was showing him the magic of the white crayon on black paper, the only color construction paper that really brings the poor, unused white crayon to life.

As I cut out my doodle car, I was instantly taken back about 8 years, to those magical new days when Kel and I were falling for each other, hard, in a 1987 Lincoln Towncar.

I didn’t mean to draw the Ol’ Lincoln, no premeditation brought it from my brain to my fingers but as I stared down at my creation, all the memories that car witnessed floated up from the recesses of my memory.

When we met (online) Kel was a pastor in training, working as a poorly paid intern, living mostly on scholarships and driving (by choice) a 1987 Lincoln Towncar.  Everyone called it the couch on wheels, and it truly was.  It smelled like leather and Dr Pepper and the first time he picked me up in it, I’m quite sure I turned up my nose.

But that car was the litmus test that this boy, the one I (at that point) only knew online had to be for real.  I mean, what kind of internet creeper would admit to driving THAT car.

I can’t adequately describe the feeling of cruising around in The Lincoln, with my legs on cool leather and the windows open as we wound through the farm fields outside of Yukon, Oklahoma.  Words fail to tell the need I felt to scoot a bit closer to the boy behind the wheel or the catching of my breath as our hands met for the first time, fingers intertwining.

As we cruised he introduced me to the magic of Oklahoma’s drive-thru watering holes, like Classic Fifties and I sipped cherry-chocolate diet cokes with my bare feet peeking out the open window.

I don’t care to know how many huge sugary drinks we consumed as we cruised.  But back then we saw them as a gift, not a caloric or cancerous nightmare.

It’s probably good that we left that 44oz habit behind us, but there are parts of those classic car cruises that I’d like back, if you don’t mind.  When we said goodbye to that poor Lincoln it was a breaking down heap, but nowadays… I sort of long for it again.  Not the money pit part, but the leathery, snuggly cruises.

Because these days, something about the magic in those intertwined fingers is flickering as we resign ourselves to too many evenings of “meh, lets just watch TV again” on different couches, in different parts of the living room.  

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Maturity and discipline are staples of our life now, needed and freeing in their structure. Yet, even though we are  ”so grown up” these days, I must invite that swooning, sugar-crazed girl from the passenger seat to party more often.

Because that boy?  He’s still here even though he’s changed a bit from the weight of work-stress, money-woes and kid-exhaustion.

And I think he misses that swoony girl.

I think those two could use a reunion.

I think we need to bring back some of the magic we created as we sat holding hands and listening to Stephen Speaks as the Oklahoma breeze blew my crazy purple hair around.

I’m a realist, I know that we live in a world where life takes a toll.  But just because life is more diapers and groceries than diamonds and dancing doesn’t mean it must be devoid of romance.

Simple, everyday romance that doesn’t cost a cent.  

I’m glad that this morning, as we move into a over-hyped week of expensive romance, my brain told my fingers to doodle the memory of that old car on the black construction paper.

Because I don’t need roses or gamble chocolates, but everyday romance?  Yes, that.

Vintage Lincoln magic?  Why yes, yes please.

Maybe we should take some time to remember where it started, thumb through a few pictures or old letters.  Maybe we’ll Jump in the car together with our kids and connect our then with our now.

Do you need to spend some time with the memories of falling too?  What place or vehicle brings those days to the forefront for you? 

Overcome (to the point of the Happy, Ugly Cry)

Sunday morning I woke up in an awful state.  My chest was tight with anxiety, my mind swimming with unanswered questions.  I could hardly think beyond our budget and calendar.

The weight of it threatened to crush our prospects of having a peaceful or enjoyable Sunday.

Thankfully, God led Kel and I to pray about it all, which isn’t always our usual.  Sometimes I rant and rave with worry until I get put in time out.  And through this, God worked a small miracle and redeemed our Sunday.

We made it to church with only one song left in the worship set, and it was then that these lyrics hit my ears.

775882_28643193 There’s nothing worth more, that will ever come close
nothing can compare, You’re our living hope
Your Presence Lord

I’ve tasted and seen, of the sweetest of Loves
Where my heart becomes free, and my shame is undone
In Your Presence Lord

Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your Glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your Presence Lord

Holy Spirit, Jesus Culture, check it out here and then go to iTunes and download it.

Somehow these words hit me with such strength that teared up and grabbed my notebook, sat down and scribbled away.

When I stood back up, I had a new prayer on my lips, so much bigger and better than just: “God make sense of our budget” or “God give us direction for the future.”  I’ll still be saying those prayers, but I’ll be praying this one louder:

I want to be overcome this week, seriously and totally overcome by God’s gifts and fingerprints on my life.  I want to be moved to tears, I want to ugly cry my mascara off for the joy of what I’ve been given. Continue reading

Kuyper Coffee Dates- Tuesday

KuyperCoffeeDates_zpse49f9fa2 Today I’m continuing a week long series called Kuyper Coffee Dates, for more information read up on Day 1.  The short version is as follows:

A beloved college professor of mine gave her students an assignment to select a blog which spoke to spiritual formation, mine was one of the choices.  They had to write a short paper about their reading experiences which included an answer to this question:

“If you could go out for coffee with this writer, what questions would you ask her?”

A few weeks back I got a stack of about 20 college papers, all reflections and questions about my blog.  I was beyond flattered and humbled and I want to answer these  questions as best I can.

So Kuyper Students, readers let’s have coffee, shall we?

Is it hard to do something so public, like sharing your story on a blog, and still give all the glory to God without wanting to keep it for yourself?

Yes and no all at the same time, while it’s easy to puff up with pride when the page views are high and the comments are many, my pit fall seems to be completely losing focus of who gives me the words in the first place.

I do catch myself thinking I’m the shiz every once in a while and when that happens I remind myself that I am just another one of God’s kids who has clumsily managed to be be faithful with gifts I’ve been given.

The best lesson I’ve learned on this subject is that God is the one who is to be glorified in my writing, if I start taking it for myself or start putting my writing above my Creator he swiftly takes away the words.

He won’t fuel me to do something that is taking precedence over our relationship and communion.

Your husband Kel seems like an amazing Father and Husband, how has his spiritual leadership been a part of your journey?

No disputing this one, Kel is an amazing guy, so glad you picked up on that!  Kel and I have already weathered some crazy storms together.  Some moments the pain brought us together, sometimes we allowed it to come between us.

Yet during every painful season Kel rarely left my side.  His quiet prayers and support were the strongest spiritual leadership that he could have possibly shown me.  There were no words that were going to take away the pain I was feeling, so his quiet support was the simple, yet strong leadership I needed.

He loved me in simple ways by putting me to bed early, watching our 1 year old during my two hour baths and putting up with my ever changing moods.  His love was healing and I felt God’s love through his actions.

If someone asked me how to best support a spouse through grief, I would tell them it’s to dole out mountains of grace.

The odds are that your spouse isn’t going to be their usual self for a while so give grace and drop as many expectations as possible. This when they don’t meet your expectations or can’t engage your typical routines you’re not as upset or surprised.

I would ask Leanne how she has been able to go through all this grief and pain and still have such a strong and unwavering faith in God?

Okay, I am so glad that you got unwavering from my writing but to be honest with you, it’s felt very… waivery.

I’ve been angry, cynical and I’ve as good as given God the silent treatment.  There have been seasons where my most prominent prayers have been little more than: “What the hell are you doing here?” and “Please just sustain us.”

Yet I will tell you that not even once did I consider walking away from my faith. I screamed, threw selfish tantrums and bought into a hundred useless lies but I knew I wasn’t going anywhere.  God was my Father, even though I was one of his most pissed off and petulant kids.

I don’t know how I did that, I was real with my community of faith, they knew I was angry and in no mood for trite platitudes.  I don’t have any tips or tricks on this one, just keep talking to God, keep taking steps out of your anger and cynicism and he will be faithful to lead you into healing.

Still here and here, still.

Us. Loveseat.

Good morning from my office, the one next to our dining room table which is covered in laundry and uneaten pancakes, still a bit sticky from last night’s mac n cheese for dinner.
Cuz we’re fancy when Kel’s out of town. We sent him on sabbatical by the way, shipped him to a cabin in the woods to talk walks and read books and pray.  I think it’s my season to take special care of him, because marriage has seasons like that, doesn’t it?

So I’ve been solo parenting these past few days, but I refuse to whine about it because I know too many single moms that do it solo every.day.  They’re some of my most super-est heroes. (I’m looking at you Jenae, you stalker)  

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A few hours before Kel left I posted a chalkboard list, asking for ideas to pass the timewhile Kel is away.  I was going to sew the kids a puppet theater, and take them to the library, we were going to make the 45 min trek to the Children’s Museum.

I had big plans to cram the hours full so they’d fly right by.

But we didn’t do most of that list, we played and baked and read a lot but we only left the house together once.  There just wasn’t anyplace we needed to go, we found great contentment in the sweet right here.

Pitawich!We dug into all those new Christmas toys.  We giggled a lot as Noelle invented a new lunch called the pita-wich, a sandwich, IN A PITA!  We think it’s funny but odds are you  had to be here.

I wiped their noses a lot.

We ate mostly clementines and leftovers.

I annoyed Caedmon by sneaking up on him and clipping clothespins on his shirt.

I became a novice railroad engineer by building tracks on the train table.

photo copy 4 We watched Cars 2, a lot and I let them Vroom cars on my head and legs.

My dear friend Jessica came over to help me a bit and I opened up my heart to her.

I spent a lot of time sitting still, snuggling my children more than I have in months.

I doled out hundreds of kisses on their faces and necks, irritating amounts of kisses.

I’m a goer, a doer, a producer, but these past few days I realized that how much I’ve shortchanged my motherhood.

photo copy 3 When they fell asleep I cleaned up the most pressing messes and then headed to bed to read and write and be still some more.

Because we needed this cozy, simple stillness. I needed to remember who I am and see these two beauties for who they are, which is exactly who they were created to be.

Sometimes I see the mothering as the distraction, the roadblock standing between me and what I need to be doing.

photo copy 2 I know that sometimes it will still feel like that.  Things aren’t perfect around here, I’m not living in an permanent state of mom-gasm like some women SEEM to be.  I freak out, I lose it, I need a break from the noise and crazy on a bi-hourly basis.

But this morning as I sip my luke warm coffee I’m simply thankful for the sweet, still right here.

I’m also thankful that Kel gets home in about 5 hours… not that I’m counting.

What’s grounding you these days?  How have you spent the first week of the New Year?

Climbing and Dancing (This one’s for Kel)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/melissawitcher/1280081048/sizes/z/in/photostream/

Hey Love,

I’ve lost track of the times that you’ve talked me off a ledge of anxiety and worry, how many times you’ve gone to get me kleenex because I’m too snotty to weep or rant anymore.

Life has seemed like a series of uphill climbs lately eh? Times where we see another mountain up ahead before we’ve even figured out how to tackle the cliffs at hand.

I know we are both weary love, I fear I’m relying on you too much with this whole pneumonia thing, (or whatever it is the doctors decide I have going on)

I hate relying on others, coming to terms with the inevitable mountains of laundry I simply can’t spare the energy to fold.  This trusting and relying thing gets in the way of my stubborn pride, maybe it’s supposed to.  We’re called to lean, to love, to rely in fever and in frustration.

I hate being an extra drain on you in an already challenging season. I want to be superwoman today, not the pale, coughing wheezy thing that you’re bound to wake up to.

When you do wake up I will grab your hand, and try to catch your sleepy eyes with my purple, baggy ones.

I will remind you that as weary as we are, that I am on your team. That I love you and that as flighty as I was yesterday, as many fears and worries as I spouted, that I still have Faith in today, in tomorrow, in whatever it just around the corner for the four of us.

I believe in the Us that God is shaping us to be
In the Us that we were all young and giddy on our wedding day
In the Us we were when we looked at each other in disbelief over those brand new babies
In the Us that we are when we fall asleep holding hands or laughing about something ridiculous.

When you get home from another day of busy meetings and appointment, if I am still awake after the kids go to bed, let’s dance together you and I.

Let’s steal time and let our bodies feel free until our souls catch on.

This is just now, just a season, may we resolve our faith, dance our dance and never forget that we are on the same team.

Oh Baby, I love you today, I love you when your hair turns gray, when your shoulders are weary with the burdens of ministry, when you give me a hard time, when you bring home pizza and when you whip up something from scratch.

I love you just as you are, believe it, or else.

Yours,

Leanne

Letters to my Mother {Day 17} Date Night

photo courtesy of http://kundhicreative.com

Dear Mom,

Tonight was Kel’s birthday and we got the chance to go out together, just the two of us.

We drank and we chatted about life, jobs and of course our kids.

We quizzed each other on what dream vacation we would most like to go on these days.

In case you’re interested mine consists of a hut on the beach with some reading, some loving, some sleeping and some walks on the beach.  Generally tons and tons of peace and quiet.  This would be my bliss right now as peace is hard to come by. Continue reading