Category Archives: trust

Late night closeness (and how I’m like a two year old boy)

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I’m in the thick of parenting a two year old son, with all the awful drama and willful tantrums that accompany it.

He regularly walks up to his sister and smacks her on the head with a smile and he often grins at me while he runs toward the road, I running toward him on the wet grass screaming.

He’s also quite “type A” and so the wrong cup, fork, shirt or seatbelt routine can set him off and result in two minutes of screaming and a trip to time out.

Over. A. Fork… for the love.

All that is difficult to bear but what really causes my momma heart to ache is the pulling away that goes along with this independent streak.  He wants nothing to do with me.

Every request for a kiss or hug is met with an emphatic “no way momma!  no way!”

 

If I pick him up to kiss his face he wiggles and whines: “get me down!  No!”

When we go out and attempt to walk holding hands he refuses right out. He will just sit down in protest until I drag him away by both arms out of pure desperation.

When I buckle him into the shopping cart he screams for a solid three minutes because he wants to sit in the “big basket” so he can “eat all the foods.”  Which is exactly what he would do given the choice.

I’m sure so much of this comes along with the typical “quest for autonomy” that every two year old embarks on, but for me?  It feel like I’ve already lost him forever.  The snuggly sweetness is almost gone and I wonder if it will ever return or if I’ve already lost him to the “all grown up” place.

A few days back we had a particularly rough day with him, complete with defiance, dragging and tantrums.  To get through the insanity I picked up an afternoon iced coffee.

This was a mistake.

By the time we got everyone cleaned off and tucked in, my body was exhausted but my mind was buzzing, wide awake.

Hours after everyone had drifted off I sat at my keyboard, writing and crying, because life just seemed hard and you guys?  I was really tired and really low on little boy snuggles.

So I did the only logical thing I could think to do at 12:15 AM, I snuck into his room and sat next to his bed, rubbing his back through the slats in his crib.

The cat followed me in and began to sing his obnoxious song and woke up my “not so baby” boy.

I can’t say that I was sad about this.

We moved over to the rocking chair and I held him close to me for the first time in what felt like years.

I cried into his little shoulder as he wiggled on my chest, trying to get sleepy comfortable.

Then, from somewhere completely other a voice blew through my mind

Caedmon Pic

“Yes, I do love you this much.” Continue reading →

All things for good (on 8 years without my Father)

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Today marks 8 years since I lost my Dad, and I hate it.

I hate everything about it.

I hate looking at the landscape of our lives and not seeing him there.  I see his fingerprints all over the place, but those joyful eyes behind the paint speckled glasses?  They’re nowhere to be found.

Somedays I can’t believe he’s gone and others I struggle to remember what it was like to have a Dad at all, a Dad to call with tears or mortgage questions.

I tell the kids about him sometimes, but mostly they’re too young to understand. I tell Caedmon that he has his Grandpa’s middle name and I tell Noelle that she has a nose just like her Grandma’s.

I tell them: “I had a mommy and daddy too and they’re in heaven with Jesus and they love us all very much.”

Some people may see 8 years of grieving my Father and think: “Wow, she’s still not over it?” To those people I say this: “When you lose a parent, you’re never truly over it, there is always a unfilled gap, which is okay.”

And somedays that void takes the form of a lump in my throat, sometimes it causes my eyes to tear up because I just want my Daddy.  Somedays don’t we all?   And on those days when I need my Dad but can’t have him I ache on a cellular level.

I want to revert back to calling his cell phone and listening to his voice mail message over and over again.

“His this is Dave, please leave a message.” 

I stil remember the inflection of every word.

Somehow, shortly after he died it was put upon me to design and purchase my Dad’s headstone. I knew nothing about headstones, all I knew is that I wanted it to look as little like a headstone as possible.  Nothing grey, no block letters, I just couldn’t go there. Continue reading →

(Jesus in my Eyeballs) or Be Thou My Vision

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Irish_tattoo_269 Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
Naught be all else to me, save that thou art
Thou my best thought by day and by night,
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

Lately, the Hymn “Be Thou My Vision” has been an essential part of my morning prayers. Specifically the Ginny Owens version, her voice is haunting and slows the busy rhythm of my frantic morning thoughts.

This song has always been more than just tradition to me, because with it I ask God into my extremely human senses. I invite him into my eyeballs and eardrums, the very lenses with which I process life. Continue reading →

Scary and Exciting (Going sharpie public with my 2013 goals)

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Hiya!  You’ll notice that things look a bit different around here today.  Well, that’s because the site is undergoing a facelift and we’re in the middle of construction.  So, what you’re seeing now is a place filler, a small glimpse into the new site that the amazing Hannah Beasley is cooking up, which I can’t wait to show you, truly.

So onward we go:

PicMonkey Collage- goals

This past summer my husband Kel had a meeting with a pastor who had also, interestingly enough, taught my senior capstone class in college.  Kel mentioned this fact over hamburgers and my former prof. had struggled to remember me, he finally said: “You mean the girl with the planner?”

Yes, it’s true, my trademark accessory in college was my planner. I rarely went anywhere without it, in fact I worked at the planner store in the mall where I was a certified productivity consultant.

I was so into planning, in fact, that Kel included it in his wedding vows: “I vow to be more organized because I’m amazed at how much you accomplish with your little planner.”

Oh planner girl, how I miss you, you were so put together and organized, lists flowed from your brain and you checked them off efficiently.  Where did you go?

I still buy planners or refills each year, but I rarely stick to them like I used to.  I just can’t find the right system and so much of our life is unscheduled and repetitive.

Kel’s and the kid’s schedules are very repetitive from week to week. Kids have preschool on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Kel has worship on Tuesday nights, Basketball on Wednesdays etc.

It’s been tough going from the professional with a plan to the mom in yoga pants whose life seems to revolve around everyone else’s needs.  It’s taught me a lot about sacrifice and grace, I’m sure most stay-at-home parents can relate to this.

Nevertheless it’s time to re-think things and put some systems and strategies in place around here, because “those who fail to plan, plan to fail” right?

And on this note I’d like to share my goals for the year with you, do you mind? Continue reading →

The one where I give up storm chasing

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Storm

Back in his college days my husband helped his best friend Andy storm chase across the state of Oklahoma. Andy was a meteorology student and so clouds, their colors, their movement, were his obsession, his favorite art form.  Like any good Oklahoma chaser, he pursued mostly Tornadic cells, waiting to see the hooks and churning that indicated a funnel cloud may touch down.

Kel was a bit more level headed and stayed home on his computer to help Andy avoid getting sucked up into the sky.  Storm chasing is a serious business here in Oklahoma and if you’ve seen the movie Twister, they tell me it’s not too far fetched.  I wouldn’t know, when the weather gets insane I stay on the couch.

Kel heads out to the back porch to check things out, this is typical Okie behavior by the way, when the weather gets crazy, the crazy go outside.  Native Okies = Crazy

I love to using storms as a metaphor for the difficult seasons in our life, I’m not alone in this. Something about the dark, swirling clouds and the ear splitting thunder soulfully resonates with our human experience.

There are two sorts of storms that roll across our lives, both painful, both hard, yet quite different.   Continue reading →

Overcome (to the point of the Happy, Ugly Cry)

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Sunday morning I woke up in an awful state.  My chest was tight with anxiety, my mind swimming with unanswered questions.  I could hardly think beyond our budget and calendar.

The weight of it threatened to crush our prospects of having a peaceful or enjoyable Sunday.

Thankfully, God led Kel and I to pray about it all, which isn’t always our usual.  Sometimes I rant and rave with worry until I get put in time out.  And through this, God worked a small miracle and redeemed our Sunday.

We made it to church with only one song left in the worship set, and it was then that these lyrics hit my ears.

775882_28643193 There’s nothing worth more, that will ever come close
nothing can compare, You’re our living hope
Your Presence Lord

I’ve tasted and seen, of the sweetest of Loves
Where my heart becomes free, and my shame is undone
In Your Presence Lord

Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your Glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your Presence Lord

Holy Spirit, Jesus Culture, check it out here and then go to iTunes and download it.

Somehow these words hit me with such strength that teared up and grabbed my notebook, sat down and scribbled away.

When I stood back up, I had a new prayer on my lips, so much bigger and better than just: “God make sense of our budget” or “God give us direction for the future.”  I’ll still be saying those prayers, but I’ll be praying this one louder:

I want to be overcome this week, seriously and totally overcome by God’s gifts and fingerprints on my life.  I want to be moved to tears, I want to ugly cry my mascara off for the joy of what I’ve been given. Continue reading →

Kuyper Coffee Dates- Thursday

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KuyperCoffeeDates_zpse49f9fa2 Hello and welcome to our Thursday coffee date, what are you drinking?  Me?  French Press house blend with a splash of almond milk, cheers.

So last night I took my treasured stack of Kuyper student letters to bed with me and devoured them like they were a black forest brownie sundae.  I only read them in short bursts because I always want to save some for later, I don’t want them to run out!

I’m always flattered, touched and blown over by what these students picked up on.  I’m so giddy to be sharing it with you guys, Squeeeee!  So giddy!

Can I share two non-questions first?  I hope the students don’t mind….

First of all this gem makes me do a happy dance cha-cha, read on and you’ll see why:

“I better understand my own mother’s point of view on life.  The busyness of trying to get three small children fed and ready for church and school, how tired she much have felt everyday, how even when everyone else could sit and rest she stayed on her feet to make sure had clean clothes to wear and hot food to eat.  I have always appreciated my mom but now I see her with more understanding.  For that, I am grateful.”

I love you student!  Go give your mom a hug, maybe bring her a latte?  I am so glad that you picked up on this because I had no clue how much my mom (and Dad) went through until I was in the thick of it: doling out snacks and matching up tiny socks, dead on my feet.  Reading this made me ridiculously happy, gold star for you!

And then this:

“most of the time Leanne plays the part of a witty, spunky, sage minister”

Ah!  That may be one of the best compliments I’ve received in my life and no lie, I am adding it into my twitter bio immediately, I may get it tattooed on my arm too, you know, for good measure.

Okay, now that those two amazing student quotes are out of the way onto the questions.

“I would ask Leanne about her own view on parenting because she seems to have had a hard childhood with two very different parents, how has this changed her view of what it means to be a parent? What sides will she draw from, or not draw from?”

Okay so for starters this isn’t an easy question to answer but it’s a great one. I honestly believe that I was blessed with two amazing parents who were struggling through some hard circumstances and illnesses.  I thank God for them on a daily basis and I no longer hold their struggles against them.

There are definitely positives from my childhood that we’re recycling in the here and now.  Kel and I are very intentional about surrounding discipline with a lot of conversation and these moments look a lot more like discipling than discipline.  We also work on intentionally lifting our children up verbally, especially in the areas where they have shortcomings. 

We spend a lot of time together as a unit and want our children to feel a sense of belonging within our family.  We want to be a close knit group and create a strong foundation of memories for them to build upon, they are our loved children and each other’s dear friends.  

Now onto the things I’m mimicking.  My mom was deliberate about reading to me when I was little and when I sit with my kids and read I feel her spirit rejoicing.  As for my Dad?  He was really good at championing our passions, if we were truly into something he was all about fostering that.  He was the lead band booster for my brother and never missed a single one of my choir concerts.  This is something Kel and I are intentional about repeating with our own kids.

“If I could sit down with her and talk, I would ask her how she is able to be so open with such a public audience.”

For as long as I can remember I have worn my emotions on the outside, for everyone to see, sometimes this bit me in the butt.  I don’t discuss my heart with just anyone but when I feel comfortable I don’t hold back on what’s really going in my heart.

I’ll be honest with you, I don’t share everything on this blog, because some emotions aren’t helpful and some stories aren’t mine to share.  Yet, when it comes to my personal questions on faith and the grittiness of the journey I believe that God has called me to share what’s on my heart.  He gives me the words and then does what he wants with them.  

“I would ask her how she describes the God she serves, even though she has been through so much joy and pain.”

Wow, this is a really good question and one that I would have never thought to ask.  It really gets to the heart of who I think God is and how I see his fingerprints on my life. You could learn a lot about someone by hearing them answer this question.

To me God is the genius of creation, with limitless wisdom and creative energy that I can’t begin to comprehend. He is the author of all that I am and the giver of all that I have.  He put me right here, on purpose, for a purpose.

To top it all off he loves me so much that he send his most precious son to be reunited with me.  His greatest joy is to see my heart close to him, fully alive.  

Although, how I would describe him doesn’t always line up with my emotions. Sometimes I’m angry and I let bitterness come between us.  But still he’s always my Father, in my mind there is no other option, no where else to place my faith.

Wow that wraps up another great coffee date.  Pencil me in tomorrow and we will chat further.  If you have questions to add to those of the students, toss them in the comments and I’ll do my best.

Caedmon’s Surgery or God be with the mommas at the Children’s Hospital

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I’m going to take a little break from the Kuyper Coffee Dates and tell you about our yesterday, do you mind?

photo copy 5 Yesterday our newly 2 year old son Caedmon had outpatient surgery to fix a hernia of sorts called a Communicating Hydrocele.  It was the first time I went through surgery with one of my children and let me tell you, there is no such thing as minor surgery when it’s your child on the table.

We went in at 7am and the first surgery in the pediatric urology department had been cancelled, so we were up first. They rushed us through pre-op so they could get a jump on their surgical schedule.  Caedmon was so angry with us and the staff because he was confused and so thirsty from being denied liquids that morning.

I remember crabby too when I couldn’t have water the morning of my C-section and unlike Caedmon, I understood what was going on.

After pre-op we met with the anesthesiologists and they asked one of us to come in for a few minutes and hold him while they held used the gas mask to sedate him pre-anesthesia.  So I donned the paper surgical gear and followed the wheeled crib to the operating room, we got him to breathe into the mask and I watched his eyes roll back as he relaxed on the table.  I was an emotional wreck inside, weak in the knees, although I kept my cool on the outside.

Diptic

I was quickly escorted out of the operating room and back to Kel where we exchanged “now what?” looks.  We decided to grab some breakfast and bring it back to the surgical waiting room, although I was racked with guilt the whole time.  What kind of Mother can just eat eggs while her son has surgery?

We sat there staring at the patient status screen waiting for Caedmon’s number to change from the green “Operating Room” status to the the pink that indicated he was in “Post-Op.”

Before we knew it my cell was ringing.  It was a member of the surgical staff informing us that they were finishing up with his surgery and needed to see us in the consultation room. Continue reading →

Kuyper Coffee Dates- Tuesday

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KuyperCoffeeDates_zpse49f9fa2 Today I’m continuing a week long series called Kuyper Coffee Dates, for more information read up on Day 1.  The short version is as follows:

A beloved college professor of mine gave her students an assignment to select a blog which spoke to spiritual formation, mine was one of the choices.  They had to write a short paper about their reading experiences which included an answer to this question:

“If you could go out for coffee with this writer, what questions would you ask her?”

A few weeks back I got a stack of about 20 college papers, all reflections and questions about my blog.  I was beyond flattered and humbled and I want to answer these  questions as best I can.

So Kuyper Students, readers let’s have coffee, shall we?

Is it hard to do something so public, like sharing your story on a blog, and still give all the glory to God without wanting to keep it for yourself?

Yes and no all at the same time, while it’s easy to puff up with pride when the page views are high and the comments are many, my pit fall seems to be completely losing focus of who gives me the words in the first place.

I do catch myself thinking I’m the shiz every once in a while and when that happens I remind myself that I am just another one of God’s kids who has clumsily managed to be be faithful with gifts I’ve been given.

The best lesson I’ve learned on this subject is that God is the one who is to be glorified in my writing, if I start taking it for myself or start putting my writing above my Creator he swiftly takes away the words.

He won’t fuel me to do something that is taking precedence over our relationship and communion.

Your husband Kel seems like an amazing Father and Husband, how has his spiritual leadership been a part of your journey?

No disputing this one, Kel is an amazing guy, so glad you picked up on that!  Kel and I have already weathered some crazy storms together.  Some moments the pain brought us together, sometimes we allowed it to come between us.

Yet during every painful season Kel rarely left my side.  His quiet prayers and support were the strongest spiritual leadership that he could have possibly shown me.  There were no words that were going to take away the pain I was feeling, so his quiet support was the simple, yet strong leadership I needed.

He loved me in simple ways by putting me to bed early, watching our 1 year old during my two hour baths and putting up with my ever changing moods.  His love was healing and I felt God’s love through his actions.

If someone asked me how to best support a spouse through grief, I would tell them it’s to dole out mountains of grace.

The odds are that your spouse isn’t going to be their usual self for a while so give grace and drop as many expectations as possible. This when they don’t meet your expectations or can’t engage your typical routines you’re not as upset or surprised.

I would ask Leanne how she has been able to go through all this grief and pain and still have such a strong and unwavering faith in God?

Okay, I am so glad that you got unwavering from my writing but to be honest with you, it’s felt very… waivery.

I’ve been angry, cynical and I’ve as good as given God the silent treatment.  There have been seasons where my most prominent prayers have been little more than: “What the hell are you doing here?” and “Please just sustain us.”

Yet I will tell you that not even once did I consider walking away from my faith. I screamed, threw selfish tantrums and bought into a hundred useless lies but I knew I wasn’t going anywhere.  God was my Father, even though I was one of his most pissed off and petulant kids.

I don’t know how I did that, I was real with my community of faith, they knew I was angry and in no mood for trite platitudes.  I don’t have any tips or tricks on this one, just keep talking to God, keep taking steps out of your anger and cynicism and he will be faithful to lead you into healing.

Snapshot of 31 and running from bitterness

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photo copy 5 This weekend I went about the business of turning 31, a pretty unremarkable age in theory.

30 felt like a reason to celebrate, but 31?  Just…. I guess, another year in the life.

My birthday was the epitome of low key, Kel installed a new radio in my car and a we enjoyed a dinner out just the two of us, a little chicken, a little salmon, a little wine.

After dinner we snuggled on the same side of the booth and stared across the gauzy glow of the dining room.  We chatted here and there but for the most part we just enjoyed the peace of the moment, ordering second drinks and banana pudding, running out of reasons to stay but not quite ready to leave.

There were no big promises or raucous laughter, it was mellow and quiet.  We joked we should skip dinner and take naps.

The next day Kel came down with a nasty cold and I ran Caedmon to his specialist appointment at OU Children’s and found out that he truly is obsessed with Lightening McQueen and will need to have surgery, next week in fact.

As I drove home I saw my life as a snapshot, just a doctors appointment, another round of groceries, another birthday.  Another 30 something mom in another mini van.

None of it remarkable in the least but all of it the essential building blocks of life.

31 has to happen, as do the doctors appointments and groceries, for this snapshot is the stuff of sustaining life.

When you scale back the ordinary seems extraordinary in its fleeting shortness, so temporary and delicate.

I won’t drive Caedmon to the doctor forever and my van windows won’t always be covered with Noelle’s applesauce handprints.

My mind flashed back to the prayer of Teilhard de Chardin,

We should like to skip the intermediate steps…

As though you could be today what time will make of you tomorrow…

And the day wore on it all seemed to come back to my word for the year, Trust.

A few days ago I talked about having to untangle the knots that have created this heart of cynicism and doubt, this woman who struggles to trust across the board.

I was so flippant about these knots, this untangling process.  I thought it take simply the fervent work of prayers and words, time and reflection to restore my ability to trust.

I now suspect that this untangling will involve some trips into my past and far more tears than I suspected.

This slow work of God may very well involve unearthing old wounds that healed funny, digging up fossilized lies and conforming them to the truth.

But you know what happens to those that refuse to learn to trust?  Those who go through the years hiding behind their pain, using it as a reason to distrust everything and everyone?

They become bitter people constantly equipped with a list of all that they never had or all that was taken from them.

photo copy 6 When I looked into the mirror and saw the potential of becoming bitter I shook with fear, because no… no thank I will not become a bitter old woman.  Or a bitter young woman for that matter.

So 31, be gentle, or don’t, whatever gets the job done I suppose.

Here is another year of life and all that it will bring and all that I hope to leave here, forever freer for the slow work of God.

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable here.  Are you too suspecting that your word will come with painful unlearning?