I rush around the kitchen. As I reach for bowls and plates, my chest tightens. With every scream, nitpick or fight my children’s breakfast interactions grate on me as my adrenaline increases, like a slow burn.
Finally, one more: “Mom, I don’t wike dis food and I don’t wike dis pwate!”
And I’m done. I run off to the bedroom to scribble some notes on the cognitive distortions worksheet my therapist gave the previous day.
Because there isn’t a cell in my body that isn’t determined to unlearn the rhythms I use to survive, but there isn’t a chance I can stay another moment in the fray, fragile as I am.
When I return, all apologies I see him counting out twenties from our grocery / gas money stash, his lips moving as he does mental math. He walks around the table, into the kitchen where he holds me and presses two twenty dollar bills in my hand.
“One for Gas, One for you blow on whatever. When’s the last time you just had some time off? Not to work or produce. Just go be you. I saw the your to do list and I’ve got it, I’ll get Noelle to school and I’ll clean the sinks and toilets. When you come home, dinner will be done. Just go baby, I got this.”
He is the number two reason I will beat this thing, this anxiety, these inner lies.
He is my partner, supporter and very best friend. I didn’t know how deep love could go until I married Kel and every year? It gets better.
He’s the one whispering God’s truth by proxy.
To me? The hands and feet of Jesus so often look like Kel’s hands and feet: strong, broad and kinda hairy. Continue reading