True confessions of a 31 year grace-rejecter.

This post comes with an optional soundtrack.  Just an option.

So I’m exactly halfway through my 31st year of life, my proverbs 31 year where I master dying things purple and keeping busy while my children call me blessed.  I’m worth ALL the rubies.  Don’t even mess.

Seriously if you look up wife of noble character in the encyclopedia (do people still own these because we just have the internet) you’ll find my face… I’m just THAT noble and… ruby-ish.

I’ve met all my goals for the year, I had them licked mid-March so now I just need to find some more things to be awesome at.  Any suggestions?  I’m thinking of taking up under water basket weaving and scuba at the same time… because, efficiency people.

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Of course none of this is remotely true.

Upon reviewing my goals I’ve decided to (do my best but mostly) call in “we moved 1,000 miles” and take a pass until 2014.

Guys, I don’t feel like a wife of noble character.  Most of the time I feel like some selfish Medusa… or the lady Bruno Mars is singing to in Grenade.  Which is NOT a compliment in the least if you’ve heard the song.  

Also in the interest of total confession: I claim gluten free… but I love beer and I live in beer city USA so… what’s a girl to do, I ask you?  (as I sip my high gravity porter with an innocent smile)

And I only wash my pants every 3rd… or 4th wear….

And I accidentally left my car running a couple weeks ago… for 8.5 hours.

Sometimes I yell at my kids… and watch HBO (not usually at the same time)… and fall asleep before I’ve brushed my teeth or taken off my mascara.

Sometimes I forget my quiet time because I’m too busy throwing really undignified temper tantrums.

Sometimes I’m way behind on facebook and email… and I let people down.

And I swear sometimes, not just the Christian ones like “son of a biscuit” but the bad ones that start with S’s and F’s and D-I’s and go all the way.  I’m sure there’s no stats on this but I’d wager that I probably cuss more than the average pastor’s wife.

I’m always shocked any day that I wake up and people still love me, that God still loves me and is willing to claim me.

Because on paper… sometimes…. I suck a little or… you know… a lot.

The thing I’m learning about grace is that you’ll never really be any good at giving it until you can accept it.   And here in lies the heart of the matter.

You can’t give grace if you’re too stubborn to receive it.

As easy as it is to laugh at all my quirks, foibles and bad habits… I blame myself for them, loathe myself for them and beat the living, F-ing, tar out of myself for them.

I’m constantly, and painfully aware of each and every way I’m failing.

And I don’t want any help, I don’t even want to appear to be in need of help.  I want to do it ALL and totally flawlessly on my own.   But I can’t.  And neither can you, so let’s just get over it, yes?

Today I got a text from my husband, as he was preparing us a gourmet date night after taking care of our two kids all day long.

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AND I need to charge my phone. Will my issues never end?

And for some reason he said it better than I’ve been able to for a long, long time.

Grace baby, grace.  Stop trying so hard to earn it.

Stop keeping score.

Stop grading yourself.

Stop tracking every aspect of your life and finding yourself lacking…  because it’s no way to live.

So, let’s eat some enchiladas and laugh for a while.

Let’s not enter it all into our my fitness pal apps or think about what the scale might say.

Let’s not try to rationalize the cost of the feast or hold back on the love we have inside because of flaws or mistakes or whether or not we’ve earned it.

Let’s just live

Let’s just love

Let’s just look up at clouds or trees or sunsets or stubborn babies playing in the sprinkler and breathe grace.

Because grace it all around but it won’t force it’s way down our throats.  We have to open our mouths and breathe.

We have to remember that we can’t earn it and we are only ever losing in the trying to do so.

Stop trying to earn it
Come clean
Be fully you and all sorts of okay with it.  Keep trying at life but keep accepting your humanity and sucking grace like oxygen.

Your turn, confess a foible, indulge in grace?  Be “only human after all” with me?   I think we need it, yes?